READING

I love to read. But, I'm a picky reader. Sometimes I will go for months without reading and then suddenly will find myself immersed in a book or two or three and I feverishly devour them. I am beginning to understand something about books and myself.

I hate ending a good book. I hate it. Last night I finished a book by one of my favourite authors. It was fiction and the second (and last) book in a series and it had to end. It had to. All books do. So... I cried. Yes, I did. I hate ending books. The thought always haunts me that I won't find a book as good. I fall in love with the characters. I become part of the story. I don't want to lose them. I don't want to say goodbye.. but it's just a book! The characters aren't real. I am surprised at my level of attachment.

I'm in the process of reading another book for a friend of mine. It's a childrens book and very good. I'm taking my time reading it too because, although I want to find out what happens, there's a part of me that wonders "What do I do after this?" "What will I say when I hand this book back to my friend" and maybe the bigger question that comes up "Why can't I write a book?"

I know the answer to this one. I actually have files full of started stories. Books begun but not ended. Characters partially developed in my head, but not on paper. I just can't. If they come out of my mind, that means they need a beginning and an ending. That means that one day, I have to put down my pen (or stop typing) and that will be it. I would be finished! I don't like that sense of finality. Maybe I can't handle it.. maybe it's a psychological disorder that I should be concerned about. Maybe it's because finishing means ending and ending means death... maybe I'm afraid of death. Maybe that's going too deep.

I have another book waiting for me to pick up. Waiting for me to crease back the cover and get lost in it (btw, I am one of those "cover creasers" and "binding benders". I even dog ear pages and sometimes I underline things... my books need to look like I read them and liked them). But I have to admit I'm scared. I'll probably wait a few days.. maybe a week before I actually start reading it.

Or, maybe I'll just read my bible over and over. That book, at least, gives me hope for more character development.