I've had a number of nights in this "new year" where I've been by myself. It's a little disconcerting to be alone, especially after Christmas where sometimes with so many people around I just longed for alone time. I find that when I'm alone I tend to let myself feel lonely. I imagine that everyone gets this feeling sometimes. It will wash over me in this despairing wave of loneliness and I feel as though life will always be this way... but I know it won't.
I resolved to love more this year. To try and put others before me more than I have been doing. I wonder if the playing out of this resolution might intensify these moments of loneliness.. when I will ache for those I love and wish for their love in return without necessarily experiencing it. I think that loving others is more difficult and less rosy than it sounds at first. I wonder what I've gotten myself into.
There's this other aspect in my lonely times that surfaces from the depths of my heart every time. Sometimes I can feel it crawling out of the bottom of my soul. It's a longing that I know will always be with me until I get to heaven; until I see my Lord, my Christ. I know that I can truly say that I long for that day when "every knee will bow and every tongue confess that Jesus is Lord"; when the "trump shall resound and the Lord shall descend" and I can truly, freely, joyfully shout "IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL!!!"
So for now, I think it's okay to have these times. It's a good reminder that this life is not it.. not the whole of "life" in the broader sense. It's a reminder of my human-ness. It makes me realize that although I pride myself on being independant, I still need others at times.. I still LONG for others.
"No man is an island, entire of itself...any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee." John Donne
3 comments:
Hear ya loud and clear, dear! There's something about being alone that forces us to face aspects of ourselves and of our humanness that we are able to avoid when we're surrounded by people. I find that in addition to learning to love others, being okay with being alone means learning to love myself more and trusting,like you said, that it won't always be this way...alone, I mean, that a night alone isn't a rejection but a chance to regroup. Does that make sense? Anyway, enjoy your rest 'cause I know that it's not going to last for either one of us!
Hi Sheryl,
So after our talk I decided I had better catch up on your blog. You are describing exactly how I feel after the first few nights of calm after Christmas. I think it is totally normal.
Often at night, after a nuts day with the kids and my man, I sit there feeling like I hate evenings. But that isn't true, I guess I just get a bit lonely at night when everyone finally leaves me alone.
The last section about longing for the more as being part of loneliness totally connects with a comment in my guilt note on facebook about how often when I am my most desperatly lonely the truth is I am longing for more then humans can fill for me, I am lonely for God.
Reading is made me tear up a bit because in a strange way loneliness is so beautiful and scarey at the same time. We all see the scarey part of it but the beautiful is how HUMAN it is and how it touches us all!
Bless Yah
Becky Fehr
so, you're going to love more this year? That is an admirable 'resolution', one that will undoubtedly speak to the deepest parts of you. I look forward to hearing more...
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